Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
