he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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