I think I died a long time ago.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize