She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
