I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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