i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
