Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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