im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
