Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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