How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
