I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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