at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
