I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
