I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
there was a trapeze. enough said
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
