I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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