I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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