it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
