One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
