remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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