how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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