i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
two words...techno handjob
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
