Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
