i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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