I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
