had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
a search helicopter?!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
