Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
