Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
