Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize