He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
