Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
