We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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