You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
