i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
