I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
