I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
