I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
my shit smells like andre
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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