I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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