Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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