So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
