She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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