there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
