I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
In America we eat man semen.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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