i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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