Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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