u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
