I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
