Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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