Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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