I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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