i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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