You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
