Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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