you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
