Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize