So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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