So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
