so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
