still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
