Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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