I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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