Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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