when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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