I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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