do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
two words...techno handjob
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
