So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
