regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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