True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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