Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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