I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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