So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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