if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
