Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think your dad took our porno
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
