i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize